.. it would be nice if i knew who was searching specifically for my blog…?
why must i be this way?
there is so much pain to be felt in this world.
oh to be oblivious… i had my medication increased recently, and now i cry.
for months and months i couldnt cry even if I wanted to. but now, my face tears itself in all directions and lets out a mute scream.
my mother was in an accident earlier yesterday. it wasn’t serious. she wasn’t hurt. but as i was thinking about what had occurred I came to realize that my mother’s death would be the most terrible thing that could happen in my life. i used to think that my death was what i fear most, but with my death there is no sorrow afterward to tend to. and in this realization part of me wanted her death to come soon. in the same way i want my death to come soon. i dont want her to die, but its hard waiting. waiting for the phone call. waiting for the moment when my life is over.
i guess some people can handle grief. but i can’t. i used to pray to god with all i had, that he would never take my mother from me. i did this because even as a child i knew i couldnt handle that. i know that once she dies i will give up.
the relationship with my mother has been difficult. its not like i will be losing my best friend or anything like that. she is my mother. but that is the point. she is my mother. the only person i have been connected to during my entire life. the only person i couldnt push away. once she is gone, there will be no one. and once she is gone, then she is gone.
i know that once she is gone, i won’t be able to finish school or go back to work or do whatever i need to do in my life. i dont want to feel that kind of pain. then i really will be broken.
i think i am kinda broken.
its strange the things you will say to someone. things you did not even realize you believed in.
from the words I have spoken I have come to see I am not very hopeful. i expect to be comfortable, not happy. i actually seek comfort, not happiness. perhaps merely because comfort is more easily gained. or maybe becuase i don’t think I can be happy. part of me views life as hell. we live every day and there is nothing to really be gained. except comfort. and we live our lives and there is no real purpose, nothing achieved. but the alternative is death. and death is worse than hell. so i keep living because the alternative is death. i keep living not because I am happy, or want to live, but because i don’t want to die. and saying this to someone, not in such a concrete way even, made me feel like i had given up without even knowing i had. i look at life and see 80 some years, if im lucky, that could be miserable, maybe even happy, but in the end those years don’t even matter. i die. and its nothing. its this endless game. where we all rotate turns. except you only get one turn. and the game doesn’t matter. and even if there is some god out there who is giving this game a purpose, it either doesn’t especially relate to me or I find it beneath my existence. life has to be more than smiling at people and being nice. if it isnt, i fail anyways.
since i was younger, i dont know the age, but it must have been in my middle teens, i would think to myself that if heaven existed, if i had proof of its existence somehow, then my life span would be substantially shorten. it wouldnt be enough to have the guarantee of a reward once i died eventually. i wouldnt want to keep living life. life wasn’t worth the wait.
no help for that
charles bukowski
there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
a space
and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest
times
we will know it
we will know it
more than
ever
there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and
we will wait
and
wait
in that
space.
i’m not normal.
i wonder if normal people feel normal.
i have a lot of thoughts. most of them i never share. here are a few:
i dont like most of the humans in existence, but i still find it sad that instead of claiming their victory, being proud of this brilliant world they have created, instead of seeing that this world is entirely of their making, they spend their lives praising gods. its like it is not enough for us to have accomplished all this. if our truths are merely held together by our own existence and not a greater power then they have less meaning. personally I find myself eager to embrace being human, embrace all that we have created.
i have come to realize that perhaps i was wrong in thinking I am not a loner. the only contact I have had with humans lately is when I visit a store to buy food. I have no deep relationships with people. In truth I have pushed such things away. and because of this I expected loneliness. but i have yet to find it. I know I am not happy, but I am also not sorrowful as some would probably be. I find myself yearning not for basic company, but for that one person who will make me happy.
i have been reading the twilight series books. which brings me mild embarrassment, for I am 22 years old, and should not be reading romantic novels about vampires. but to not read would be like rejecting something that essentially matches your interests perfectly. anyways, i found myself crying. the two main characters found happiness. and love. and marriage and a child. and they were allowed to both be vampires. and it occurred to me that this is all I want. maybe set in london instead of washington, but generally, i would be beyond happy to have received the fate these characters had been given. and i wonder does such happiness exist outside books and movies?
so now i think idly of my future. classes begin soon. and in two years I will hopefully graduate and go on to omaha to get my masters and doctorate. and if life was really quite generous then maybe I will make my way to london and have the three children that will keep me breathing everyday.
i have a map of omaha on my wall. and a desk that i never use sits across the room. moving helps one realize how many things they own. things you never use, dont really want, but feel inclined to keep.
i stack books on a shelf, spines i read everyday, pages I dont read nearly as often. i take more tylenol than books off shelves.
i have a point. i dont know if its worth making. its not unique, or new. its just thoughts. and these are not the thoughts i intended on putting to screen. on any given day, there are many ideas that entangle themselves within my brain and it seems i always write about what matters the least.
this is not who i am. its bothersome that people may read this blog, the collected work of it, and think this is me.
(i dont know).
i wish i could feel the same about something in a consistent manner. not in the sense of i hope to be a racist forever (i am not by the way). but in the way i feel about my ex-boyfriend. some days i feel peaceful, older, more mature. i can look back and be okay with how things were. some days i feel an anger and hatred. some days apathy washes over me.
with all these days and conflicting emotions its hard to know what i actually feel.
i want permanence.
